I Like Trees

We reach for the sky.

Leaf: When a world ends

by sol - May 2nd, 2011

Every person is a world. Some are more healthy in our shared environment than others.

Today, we received the news that Osama Bin Laden is dead. The news was received with  celebration, with cheers, with shouting.

I understand why. I understand the enormous sense of loss attached to the acts of terrorism we’ve faced.  I get the relief, and the comfort. But it still makes me nervous when i hear people cheering when someone dies.

Every person is a world. This is the great gift of being conscious, the real gift that makes us so incredibly valuable as human beings. You are a world of your own experience and life: You carry in your head not just the sum total of everything you’ve ever tasted, smelled, touched, heard, every mother’s kiss and every ringing telephone. You carry in you your perceptions of those things, and the you that’s made up of the flavour with which you experience the world.

Sometimes, an incredibly gifted artist will come alone, like Georgia O’Keefe with her flowers, or Calder and his mobiles, and make us experience their world. Show us the flavour and texture of what the world they experience is. I have a friend who’s never understood what the fuss about art was. Had a friend, i suppose. I always wanted to show him a couple of paintings. Just one or two. Real art is best viewed with a bench. You sit down and absorb it, feel what the artist is making you feel, see what they are forcing you to see. Van Gogh, he was able to make you see what he was experiencing. Not the way he felt it, but enough to convey some of his world.

When you experience this, you step, for just a moment, into a world with a different flavour than your own. The more reliably and readily this is presented, the more skilled the artist.

Each of us is building these worlds, all the time. We are seeing, considering, experiencing the world. We’re learning it, but we’re also building the re-creation of it in our heads.

I love my friends because of their worlds. Their worlds are amazing. I have one friend whose world is full of haunting, beautiful moments, a world where birds are the harbingers of season change. He sees hedges as countries. It’s lovely. His world is starker than mine, with the contrast turned up very high.

I have another who sees the world as an endless stream of noise, punctuated by passages that make sense. He makes the most beautiful music out of it that i’ve ever heard. (Sky Flying By, go check it out.)

I am constantly amazed by what people carry in their heads. Not just abilities, like Dave and his music, or Anne with her math skills and her carefully-honed teaching abilities. Those are great, those are the best because those people built them. But also… they built the worlds where those traits matter. They are people, whole, amazing people, taking the world in and spitting it out, and the whole cycle of community world-building happens all around us, every day, in a fabulous dance of information exchange.

It’s beautiful. Sometimes, it’s also painful.

I suppose that i feel about this dead man as i would feel if a rabid dog had to be put down: sad, for the people it had hurt. Relief that there would be no more, but also, terrible sorrow that it had turned out that way, and that this was the inevitable end of its path. In the case of a person, there’s choice involved- at so many points along the path of every day, we’re given the chance to choose who we’ll be and what effect we’ll have on the world, a tiny drop at a time. That this was someone’s choice… that makes it even more tragic to me, not less. It doesn’t increase the justice quotient- it magnifies the loss. We lose what they might have become had they chosen differently. We lose a world because of the choices it made, that’s terrible.  

It’s a sorrow, a deep and abiding sorrow, that someone could kill so many innocents, with every thought in their head now gone and their worlds snuffed out like so many candles in a storm. It’s a terrible thing, and that this person is dead doesn’t feel like justice to me, but the end of a terrible cycle of events. I can be glad that the cycle is over. I can be relieved. But i can’t celebrate the taking of a life, even one that might be necessary to protect the innocent.

This is what makes our country great. Not that we fight, not that we protect- well, yes, those too, and the men and women out there doing it- but that we understand the moral ramifications of the ending of a world. That we go to war with heavy hearts, resolved to win but with the full understanding of what we’re doing. The ending of a world is a very serious matter, indeed. There are worlds that are toxic to others, so toxic that they cannot be redeemed. there’s no time to redeem them, they will hurt more people. We have to prevent that. There are people on the wrong side at the worng time, who have made their choice to go to war. That’s a choice, and we fight. But when we do, we know what we’re doing. We value life, we understand how precious that three pounds of grey matter is. When we turn out the lights, it’s not with a cheer, but with an attempt to cope with the sorrow and the loss. It isn’t easy on soldiers and they deserve a heall of a lot more support than they get.  

I’m glad that people feel relief, but for my part, i’m sad that it came to that, sad for every one of the worlds shut down when the towers fell and sad that one more had to go to make it stop. It doesn’t make it even; it’s not about making it even. It can’t reopen any of those worlds; they’re gone. Forever. It’s only to stop more from being lost.

The world you carry is the most valuable thing you have to offer. Treasure it, love it, live in it as happily as you can and share it so that we get to know what it’s like. Celebrate the worlds around you, taste them, feel them, appreciate them. The only thing that makes the world better after a loss is to remember why it matters in the first place, and in this case, it matters because what’s between your ears is incredible.

I’m glad it’s over. That’s all that i can say. I can’t conceive of any ending in which his survival would let innocents live… but i can’t celebrate that he’s been put down; i mourn that it ever came to that while i recognise its necessity. I hope that this brings closure to the many, many people still hurting. If it doesn’t… your world is beautiful. Share it.

Live in it. Because this is why it matters. 

Every person is a world.

Leaf: Comfortable Dissatisfaction

by sol - April 19th, 2011

One of the hardest things that i’m trying to do is to get comfortable with my imperfection. Not just that i’m not perfect, but that i’m genuinely, truly dissatisfied with a lot of things.

Now, dissatisfaction is a genuine emotion, and one which exists for a reason. It tells me that there’s a lot in my life that needs changing, and yes, i have to do the work for those changes to occur. Dissatisfaction is an essential part of having a realistic relationship with one’s surroundings. Unhappiness is a legitimate gauge, in some cases, of the health os a situation.

In others, it isn’t. If you carry your unhappiness with you, it doesn’t matter where you go: you’ll find it. There are some things in my life that i am truly unhappy with, and that unhappiness is healthy and constructive. It is possible to be really miserable, and still be exactly where you ought to be.

I liken this to the gym. I really, really hate working out. I don’t understand why some people like it; even the runner’s high isn’t enough to make me go, “Oh, wow, let me get my shoes and we’ll go.” Nope. Not even a little. It’s there, i’ve felt the endorphins, but they just don’t do enough to make me look forward to it. But i do it. And i hate it, but i don’t mind hating it, it’s a healthy thing to do and i don’t have to really get my thrills from it to enjoy what it does for my life.

Meditation. I don’t really like it yet. It’s hard work, requiring a lot of self-acceptance. I’m not good at it. It makes me self-conscious and uncomfortable. My mind keeps intruding.

Yes. That’s what it’s like. That’s actually okay.

It’s in the doing it that things change. If i were great at it- if i could run ten miles, if i could sit two hours without a foreign thought- i wouldn’t need to practice. I can’t. Practice is what it’s about.

So i am learning to be comfortably dissatisfied. I don’t have to like certain things, but i do have to come to terms with them in my life. I don’t have to like all my traits, but i have to have compassion for them. I don’t have to like my pain, but my pain is there for good reasons, and i can live with that. Show up, do the right things, eventually the pain is less, but in the meantime, show up, live, do the right things. Rinse, repeat.

Leaf: W. S. Merwin, “Lemuel’s Blessing”

by sol - March 24th, 2011

Lemuel’s Blessing—W. S. Merwin

Let Lemuel bless with the wolf, which is a
dog without a master, but the Lord hears
his cries and feeds him in the desert.

Jubilate Agnos, Christopher Smart

You that know the way,
Spirit
I Bless your ears which are like cypresses on a mountain
With their roots in wisdom. Let me approach.
I bless your paws and their twenty nails which tell their own prayer
And are like dice in command of their own combinations.
Let me not be lost.
I bless your eyes for which I know no comparison.
Run with me like the horizon, for without you
I am nothing but a dog lost and hungry,
Ill-natured, untrustworthy, useless.

My bones together bless you like an orchestra of flutes.
Divert the weapons of the settlements and lead their dogs a dance.
Where a dog is shameless and wears servility
In his tail like a banner,
Let me wear the opprobrium of possessed and possessors
As a thick tail properly used
To warm my worst and my best parts. My tail and my laugh bless you.
Lead me past the error at the fork of hesitation.
Deliver me.

From the ruth of the lair, which clings to me in the morning,
Painful when I move, like a trap;
Even debris has its favorite positions but they are not yours;
From the ruth of kindness, with its licked hands;
I have sniffed baited fingers and followed
Toward necessities which were not my own: it would me
An habitué of back steps, faithful custodian of fat sheep;

From the ruth of prepared comforts, with its
Habitual dishes sporting my name and its collars and leashes of vanity;

From the ruth of approval, with its nets, kennels and taxidermists;
It would use my guts for its own rackets and instruments, to play
its own games and music;
Teach me to recognize its platforms, which are constructed like scaffolds;

From the ruth of known paths, which would use my feet, tail
and ears as curios,
My head as a nest for tame ants,
My fate as a warning.

I have hidden at wrong times for wrong reasons.
I have been brought to bay. More than once.
Another time, if I need it.
Create a little wind like a cold finger between my shoulders, then
Let my nails pour out a torrent of aces like grain from a threshing machine;
Let fatigue, weather, habitation, the old bones, finally,
Be nothing to me,
Let all lights but yours be nothing to me.

Let the memory of tongues not unnerve me so that I stumble or quake.
But lead me at times beside the still waters;
There when I crouch to drink let me catch a glimpse of your image
Before it is obscured with my own

Preserve my eyes, which are irreplaceable.
Preserve my heart, veins, bones,
Against the slow death building in them like hornets until the place
is entirely theirs.
Preserve my tongue and I will bless you again and again.

Let my ignorance and my failings
Remain far behind me like tracks made in a wet season,
At the end of which I have vanished,
So that those who track me for their own twisted ends
May be rewarded only with ignorance and failings.
But let me leave my cry stretched out behind me like a road
On which I have followed you.
And sustain me for my time in the desert
On what is essential to me.

***

I’ve thought about that last phrase for a long time. “On what is essential to me.”

Most of what I consider essential, isn’t. The hardest thing about simplifying my life is breaking thehabits of things I do to keep the emptiness at bay. It’s something very human, finding company in things. People are great at transitional objects. I wonder sometimes if hoarders don’t have an overseveloped capacity for that; instead of having an imaginary friend, they have a whole “+5 salience” modifier for inanimate objects.

Removing that modifier takes more than a saving throw with the d20. It takes patience, awareness, discomfort, and not a little bit of strength. It takes will and determination over time, in small and gentle ways. Stubborn ways. It takes a constant willingness to turn towards the sun, because if you don’t get enough love to nourish you, that empitness can’t be dealt with.

That’s the point i’m at in my life. I’m trying to do a lot- I have work, school, martial arts, and my writing, plus all the internal work of growing and healing. The actual push isn’t so hard, but feeling anything around my roots gets harder when things get jostled. I’m lonely and unhappy- but not because there’s no one loving or caring, and not because i’m missing anything. What i need isn’t more anything, it’s that simple act of stopping to hear things again, to get clear the feeling of being stable, loved, capable, and whole. These are things i need to cultivate.

It isn’t about having more voice. It isn’t even about having more love, it’s about feeling what’s there. Recognising my friends for the good people they are, connecting with the places in me where i connect to them.

There are all kinds of deserts. Some of them have less in them than others, but the desert is something you carry in you everywhere you go. You can pour water on it all day without changing anything. The water has to seep up from the bedrock, it has to be held in the earth, and it has to have the chance to change things slowly, before anything can happen.

I hope that this leaf finds you sustained on what’s essential to you, whatever that turns out to be.

Leaf: The Higher Power

by sol - March 7th, 2011

What we see reflects us.

            We all know this, but it never seems to come up more resoundingly, or more painfully, than in the disputes about god. Families fight wars over this. People forswear friends. Angry books get written. People hate the idea of anyone else being deluded, while forgetting that none of us have a lock on actual truth.

            What’s more, we regularly forget that the question of the existence of god is tied into deep, fundamental questions of self worth and hurt. The examination of whether there’s a creator makes a lot of people very, very angry. It should. It touches on other, very fundamental, questions. For example: do i deserve what’s happened to me in my life? Am i loveable? Is there meaning to my life? If i don’t deserve what’s happened to me, how do i make peace with the idea of a creator who let it happen?

            I’d like to address this, because to argue over god and miss these issues leads to a lot of people getting hurt.

            The concept of god runs deep, whether we believe in a deity or not. The habit of seeing the world around us as a coherent place, servant to basic laws and reaction patterns, is innate in humanity. It’s useful and we need it. We often develop to see the world as we saw our parents, taking qualities of each. Those who believe in god and those who don’t both carry these lenses of perception, and those who turn angry atheist or reborn religious are often trying to change these lenses to a model that works better for them. This has nothing to do with whether god exists, and everything to do with how we need to see the world around us.

            These are questions we have to make peace with in our lives. We’ve had things happen to us, good and bad, that we didn’t necessarily deserve. Whether there’s a god or not, the universe is set up such that this will continue. We have to make peace with this injustice somehow, and the clearest way to do that is to begin by acknowledging amongst ourselves that it’s unfair. More than that; it can’t be made fair. We live in a world where truly terrible things happen to good, beautiful people who don’t deserve them, and it will always be that way.

            The hard part is believing, in a world that lets bad things happen to you, that you are inherently loveable and valuable. If your parents helped you with that model, great. A lot of people have to try to develop this self-image as adults, and for a lot of them, the concept of a deity helps. I will NOT touch on whether it is accurate, but I maintain that it isn’t merely a crutch, it’s a basic part of a healthy human mind to have a model of attachment connected to something, or someone, who loves without restraint. Whether it’s the Buddhist ideal, the Christian Trinity, or your mentor from ninth grade, I don’t care. But we all need something to keep in the back of our heads to let us rewrite our vision of the world, in order that we can feel like it’s safe to explore.

            I go to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. It’s no secret that i go. I think it’s a wonderful program, and the group i go to is amazing. I’ve never met so many genuine, open people. They aren’t afraid to be real in front of one another, to be broken, to have pain. Coming together in the presence of these people is wonderful, it’s bonding and kind and good. It lets me have a chance to examine my pain in the context of other people, to get insight and clarity into my own narrative by understanding the struggles, and the beauty and strength, of others.

            In that group, we talk about our “higher power.” The hard part about any program like this is separating from the evangelism upon which it was founded, and ACoA is no exception. They do make a very clear statement that atheism is allowed and respected, that I am responsible for understanding my higher power for myself.

            This is a huge thing. The idea that we, as individuals, are responsible for our own understanding of the universe and the driving forces of it has torn apart churches and taken lives. Higher powers have been claimed throughout human history, and no one has ever been able to come up with one that appealed to us all.

            My higher power, for the sake of dealing with my internal issues, is the person whom i am capable of being. My best possible version, the good, kind, loving being that on my best days i feel traces of, and on my worst days i need the compassion of. My higher power, my best self, knows what i have to do to become that person more over the coming years. That inner compass never lies to me.

            Whether that person is guided by a god or not is irrelevant to the question of whether i’m worth loving, whether i’m worth protecting, whether i deserved my past sufferings. All future suffering is a choice: the pain will be there, but i can choose to accept it, knowing that i’m part of a universe that also includes love and joy and the potential for peace. I can live with that, when i remember. My higher power is always with me, always present, because i am always here. It isn’t making myself out to be a god; it’s remembering that being human is enough. Right here and now, human imperfection is all right.

            That’s power.

            We have a choice about whether we have compassion for others. Angry religion in any form, even the rebellion against it, isn’t about god. The question of whether there is a god cannot be resolved; the question of whether we’re going to fight about it can. It saddens me to meet angry atheists and bible-thumping evangelicals, because they’re missing the point. The struggle for an understanding of one’s higher power is personal, it’s private, and it’s one of the single most bloody important things that a human being can do. Anything that we do to get in the way of that actually hurts people and damages their development. Anything we do to help each other with that will contribute to their understanding of the universe as an unjust system that they can live with.

            What kind of world do you want?

The Gifted, the Talented, and the Successful: Spark Isn’t Fire

by sol - February 10th, 2011

 

 

                “Talent hits a target no one else can hit; genius hits a target no one else can see.” –Schopenhauer

               

                Examining our obsession with genius is painful, or should be, for anyone with a brain. We obsess over IQ and accomplishment in desperate ways, trying to convince ourselves that we do or don’t deserve what’s in our lives. It’s a shorthand look at the whole difficult balance between innate property and external influence, and what the hell we can do here in the middle, as humans, to become who we’d like to be.  

 

                The question of genius is slippery, because the definition of genius is slippery. Although it’s a psychological concept, it’s not really a psychological term. IQ itself, one of the main public perceptions of the measuring units of psychology, isn’t a hard and fast concept: we aren’t sure entirely what it measures, or what it’s good for. Every time we think we’ve got it down, drawn into types with predictive factors, we see someone who’s managing just fine on the other side of our bright, shiny lines. If there’s one amazing thing about humanity, it’s how often most of us do just fine.

                Still, some things stay the same. Almost invariably, when people speak of genius, they mean, “people whose contributions can’t be matched.” This includes the entire upper swath of whatever area we’re discussing. We speak of the greats: Mozart, Einstein, Calder. We expect greatness and high intelligence to go hand in hand, every time. (Greatness is another issue, to be dealt with at another time.) We tell ourselves that if we, ourselves, were just a little [smarter/brighter/braver/more productive] most of our problems would be gone, so we’re always a little disturbed and grateful to find that the geniuses have even worse troubles. Grateful, because it means that things are still even. Disturbed, because it means that there may well be no magic fix to the mess we’re in.

 

                The debate over how to bring these gifts to the surface is a huge one, causing a lot of stir. On the one hand we have those who believe that achievement can be gotten by practice, and on the other, that even the will to practice is something innate. Even if we acknowledge the partial truth of both these concepts, we’re left with the impossible task of choosing which children would benefit, and whether it’s worth picking them out, and how to best parent most of them so they turn out successful and well-adjusted. The debate over “Tiger Mothers” takes this up handily, as Americans rush to defend the creative genius that they claim the “push to mastery” can stifle. At the same time, we realise that mastery itself takes something beyond the norm.                

                These are tough personal and public policy questions. They get right to the heart of what we consider a “normal” life and education, from the “Tiger Mother” standpoint to the “precious snowflakes” with their hovering helicopter parents. How much do we let people wander free, to find their own genius? In the US, we have a self-centric approach. Under the right conditions, we theorise, anyone can find their true calling and excel in it. It’s nonsense, but we believe it persistently, hoping that it means we haven’t succeeded because we just haven’t found the right dream yet. (And sometimes, it isn’t nonsense at all.)

                In reality, success comes to those who work for it, even the geniuses, and it demands a lot in return. This doesn’t mean that everyone who works hard will succeed, and it doesn’t mean that everyone should be working towards the same goal. I’ve come to the conclusion that not everyone should go to college, that college should be bloody hard, and that those who don’t go deserve quite a bit more respect, because (as it turns out) our reverence for the quest for that perfect social role, the one where we shine, may be a little misplaced.

 

                Before we start this tricky debate of who will succeed- where we should place our bets, and whether the tiger mothering or good-job-for-trying is the best practice, we should talk about the difference between “genius,” “gifted,” and “successful.” They aren’t synonymous, and you don’t always find any of them paired off.

                 I would call a genius, “a person who, possessing insight, perception, and expressive capability in excess of the norm in a subject area, contributes in a meaningful way to that subject area in a way that significantly advances the field far in excess of the expected human capacity, or creates a new way of experiencing a previously inaccessible concept.”

                (I object to the inclusion of sport as genius, unless that sport is somehow interpretive. I certainly would call Tiger Woods gifted and successful, but I wouldn’t call him genius.)

 

                I know, as an operative definition, it leaves a little to be desired. But the point is this: a genius isn’t someone who sees something no one else can see, because we can’t measure that. They may be geniuses, but unless they bring it back for the rest of us, they’re only halfway there. Art qualifies as an area where genius is possible, even though we’ve come to expect perfection from artists on a regular basis. There are still the occasional artistic geniuses being produced. In fact, art is the perfect realm to talk about genius, because it’s the most obvious place where one can witness the difference between raw talent, hard work virtuosos, and the geniuses that leave us all in the dust.

 

                This will get personal. Bear with me.

 

               

                As a teen—an underachieving, disadvantaged, and highly unmotivated teen—I was conscripted into my high school’s “Gifted And Talented” (GAT) program, along with five beautiful and intelligent young women. The audition was simple: get an honors level NMSQT score, and write an essay in an hour. I showed up late, I didn’t realise we could choose from the two subjects. I wrote two essays.

                Yeah, they let me in.

 

                I spent the next three years on cruise control in advanced classes, failing and flailing with abandon. They bumped us up into sophomore English, where I met a whole new set of bullies and brigands. I alternated between the relative safety of high school, despite my abuse-addled narcoleptic haze, and my horrific home life. No one had any doubt that I was gifted, and they had no idea how much I was and wasn’t like the other five students.

                Those students. Oh, my goodness. Let me tell you about those five women. Sa, who went on to become Dr. Sarah, with a doctorate in communications, specializing in gender in media. She’s poised to become one of the nation’s foremost thinkers on the subject, and she has no idea that she’s so bright she can make the paint melt off your mind. More on Sa’s particular genius later.  Daphne, beautiful, sunshiny Daphne, whom I thought of as some kind of alien goddess for how real and earnest and intent she was. Still as beautiful and sunshiny as ever; now a dentist, successful, married, beautiful children. Kate’s out there somewhere; she was the most like me, only grounded, brave, and gorgeous. Jennifer was a hardworking, bright person, willing to tackle any subject. She and I almost never spoke. I’m told she may work in a publishing company now, I don’t know. Lynda, the daughter of my guidance counsellor, the same counsellor who later stepped in as a mother figure for me. Success doesn’t cover it—she’s a brilliant (accountant, I think?), who married an international businessman, and continues to be logical and clever and healthy in spectacular ways. Lynda intimidates the hell out of me. She should. She’s incredible.

 

                And then..  me.

 

                No one was ever quite sure about me. Not even I knew what to do with me, back then.

 

                I spent the English class writing poetry and falling in love with the girl who sat next to me. Awful poetry, but gloriously free of the usual teenaged brooding ravens and loopy letters. I couldn’t help it; I was insane. I was living with hell at home and untreated narcoleptic problems by day; I actually wrote my locker number (not just the combination, but the number of the locker) down on a notebook so I could find it every day. I passed English almost literally with my eyes closed, but got near-fails in other courses. A teacher’s greatest nightmare, a bright student who wouldn’t do the work. I wrote essays in leaps and bounds and homework in ten minutes. It would be fair to say that I didn’t get everything out of the GAT program that it had to offer, but the administrators made the decision to let me remain in it.

                It didn’t work, but I got something out of it, just the same. I met a science teacher who told me something that’s changed my view on the program, and my place in it, forever.

                “You’re not here for the same reason they are,” he said, candidly. “You’re here because you have to learn to think like them. You can’t be like them, that would be like trying to make a bent- no, not bent, you’re not broken. But a curved rod, and trying to make it straight, or a straight rod curved. You’re here to learn how to think logically, do the work, and meet expectations- they’re here to learn science. If you can do it, if you can pull it off, you’ll have your side and theirs. Don’t worry about the science. Learn how to think like them, because you’re going to need that.”

                I’ve never forgotten that. It was the first time anyone had told me, point-blank, that being gifted wasn’t enough, but that I had a chance anyway.

 

                The others worked hard, and working hard worked well.

 

                When I moved in my senior year, to escape the home environment I was in, the new school put me back in freshman English, since I’d never taken it. So much for gifted. I worked nights, and my grades reflected it. My Latin teacher made me a deal: don’t show up for the exam, and I’ll give you a D. I accepted.

 

                The remaining girls were called the “fab five,” after I left.

 

                No, actually they were called that before I left. There were six of us, but when the guys in the sophomore class started that up, they didn’t count me. It was cemented after I left, and those five shot to the top of everything they tried. I envied them, I hated them, they will never know, ever, for the rest of their lives, how much I loved them and everything about them. They were good people, who worked hard. I am glad the world has them.

 

                By contrast, there’s me. Genius or not remains to be seen, as it does with anyone- there have been lots of late bloomers in our society. Don’t get me wrong. The world is better with me in it, if you ask me, and I so love the world. But my track record doesn’t remotely compare to the expected trajectory of a GAT student. I’m in college now, at night, at 34. That’s right, I’m the gifted and talented who never made it to school, skewing the curve completely. I spent my twenties wildly spinning until I got sick, and then I spent ten years in physical and emotional recovery. That experience gave me the one thing I’d been missing back then, the determination to do the hard work.

                The point of this little stomp down memory lane is this: the gifted and talented are good, but only become great through effort. They were able to put in the effort, and I wasn’t. I may not be genius. But I have a wild streak they didn’t have, one that my damaged home life and damaged brain left room for in great broken chasms, and the same ‘gifted’ talent in one person presents in a completely different way in another.

               

                None of it is genius. It’s important that we remember that. The GAT program wasn’t intended to cultivate genius, train it, or reflect it in any way. They let me stay in it only because they realised that my small streak of creativity might qualify, and should I learn to do the work, my work would be at the expected level. I never did, and everyone was very disappointed. I had to take honours level classes again after failing them, only allowed back because I promised to pass this time. (I didn’t, of course. When taken to task for it, I pointed out that I was too busy trying to find a place to live, and the silence that sentence produced has stayed with me for decades. No one knows what to say when you have a real problem in the way of “gifted,” and that’s one of the biggest challenges that education faces today.)  

                So if none of that was genius, what is?

 

                Synthesisation. The ability to understand, to interpret, and to explain. What made Einstein a genius wasn’t just that hee put things together, but that he did what the other mathemeticians and scientists working on the same problems at the time couldn’t. He made it accessible to the rest of us. What he did was take concepts no one else was ready for, and put them together in a way that made sense we’d never seen. That’s genius.

 

                What Calder did, what Mozart did, and Bach and DaVinci and all the others did, that made them geniuses, was to take all of their comprehension and curiousity, work like hell to get good at it, and then represent it in a way that the rest of us could reach. Talent reaches the stars; genius brings them to earth. They boiled it down, built it up, and ended up able to grasp complicated things that no one else could grapple with. They were willing and able to spend the time on it, and they turned that power to parts of the world beyond just getting by. They had a fire in them that made them work for it beyond talent, beyond gifted, sometimes well into the realms of obsessed and insane.

                Emily Dickinson did the same thing. Geniuses are often broken, but not everyone broken has genius. You have to be broken a little bit to be a genius; you can’t devote your life to something without leaving other fields untended. But there are many who are geniuses and get by just fine. It seems like the artistic run the highest risk of mental illness, but I think this is partly because the gifted potential geniuses with the highest risk of mental illness gravitate to fields where their nonconformity is more likely to grant success. Geniuses who can remember to wear ties go into business. Geniuses who can’t remember what they had for breakfast, but understand black holes, go into astronomy or physics. Geniuses who look through you and see how crunchy purple it is when you talk about roses- they have to go into the arts, or there’s no other place for them.

               

                So how do the gifted become geniuses, if they ever do? How does a hard-working child prodigy (and that would be you, fab Five, who remain Fab long after the “five” part drifted apart) turn into genius? It’s not something necessary or warranted. The world doesn’t actually need geniuses, the whiz kids who can ace tests but don’t remember to wear socks. The world needs brilliant, successful, functional people. A genius can plot out the science behind space travel, but it takes fifty bright, dedicated people to bring those ideas all the way into fruition. One genius in a century is enough to turn things around. It takes society a long time to absorb ideas, to govern itself by right ones, to figure out what’s worth using right now out of its geniuses’ hard work. A good, solid scientist can be worth a thousand geniuses, because you never know when a genius will have their next idea.

                Genius is, at its heart, a compromise. Not the usual tradeoff of who you are versus who you have to be, but a compromise between the solitary nature of truth and how you relate to the people you need to explain it to. Genius is being gifted in a direction that DOES something, and then doing it, however long it takes to get good at it, good enough to go on to invent in it. Ten thousand hours, according to Malcolm Gladwell, is what it takes to master something. I think that’s a nonsense number, but he’s right about the hard work. And the virtuoso of ten thousand hours, or the gifted fab five, are endlessly more valuable to the world than the genius of a thousand hours. Fifty virtuosos is an unbelievable symphony. One genius can write one; fifty geniuses is a catfight that could destroy whole cities in its wake. Neither gifted nor genius is worth anything without work. Part of the work is finding out how to apply it (the so-called “emotional intelligence” factor.) By defining genius as IQ, Gladwell may be missing the point of genius as a descriptor.

 

                I believe that late bloomers do better if they’re genius than if they’re gifted, though. At some point, the head start of those ten thousand hours wears off, and the ones who learn the fastest at that point , the most madly motivated and internally driven, come out on top. Starting at the late mark, the passion and fire and raw creative intellect of someone beyond gifted pay off, because the gifted are running at a steady speed in a fixed field with a late start- but the genius is bringing random quantum leaps of insight into the equation. A gifted steady worker has to start those ten thousand hours early, because they can’t make it up later: a genius with five thousand hours will beat the hell out of a similar, merely above-average late bloomer with matching practice time. Neither may ever match the gifted with the early start, or the genius who’s been taught to work like the gifted.

                 If you don’t catch the geniuses and potential geniuses early (and they are not just going to be the child prodigies, but can be anyone)  you miss the chance to really capitalise on their potential. When you do that, the geniuses may make good on it anyway, because that’s what genius is, the ability to go to those unknown places whether the bus carries you or not… but they won’t beat the ones already halfway there. One thing we overlook is that the geniuses were already working, though. It’s one thing to say that Einstein worked in a patent office; another to point out that he worked there responding to questions regarding electrical signal transmission and time synchronisation. He never left his area of interest; he was working on it the whole time. This is a secret to late-blooming gifted and geniuses that works to their advantage. They weren’t doing nothing, all that time. A lot of times, the field of interest comes late and strikes the spark. For others, they spend that time learning to get by in the world before starting to harness their spark. (Come on—it’s my only hope.) But for many, the piece that they learned late wasn’t how to do what they’re doing, but how to use it in the world to reach success, an entirely different measurement altogether.

                For my part, I may not be genius, but I’m certainly on the track of what I love. I’ve discovered the madness, the drive, early, but now I have the ability to do the work. Remember, I wasn’t doing nothing while I failed English. I was writing. Whether I am gifted or genius lies in what I do from here. Not in my genes, not in my environment (though both play a factor) but in my choices. I don’t feel unsuccessful, having found something that works. Either way, I’m a late bloomer, still a definite example of gifted who had to learn to function in the world before any flowering could come to pass. Even the emotional damage didn’t stop me, and this is another important idea where genius and giftedness are concerned.

                We talk about mental illness a lot in the context of genius. The link between the two is well established. Genius is a maladaptation, just enough off the norm to provide new insight, and not quite enough to render one unable to survive. Most of the time.

                We hope.

                Not enough of a disruption to kill you before the math and science get out, at least.

                We talk about “spark.” We talk about greatness. We talk about virtu, a certain something almost palpable about a person. The lights are on, and by all that’s interesting in the world, someone is freaking home in there. We’re talking about someone so far off the norm that they’re beyond “highly functional” in an area. We forget that the norm in society isn’t, “highly functional,” but, “functional enough to get by.” Those are the ones most likely to survive- the ones just above the waterline, the ones able to get by and not passionate enough to disrupt their lives for it. The Gifted and Talented are the ones in the next cut- most likely to thrive, to succeed, to improve.

                The geniuses are far out in deep waters, or way up on land. They’re unsuccessful until they learn to function, or so highly functional in their area that they ignore the conventions altogether. They don’t go from “gifted,” to “virtuoso.” They go from, “gifted,” to “Oh my gods.” If you can find a young, innate gifted who does the work and makes the creative jump into mad passionate exploration, you’ve unleashed a Mozart.

                If you get a genius who can’t be gifted and do the work, they become a Van Gogh, living with it till it kills them.

 

                In between, you get Einstein, willing to work, unable to stop thinking, unbelievably bad at daily life, but ultimately able to explain his wild visions and still get by.

                Fortunately, the world doesn’t need many geniuses to survive. It sounds heretical, but it’s true. The hardworking gifted make things work. The J. K. Rowlings, the Stephen Kings, the bright and talented musicians who create sturdy, pleasant music that boosts an era- they’re a part of daily life in a way that Mozart and Tolkein aren’t. Our reverence of genius is misplaced. They help, but we don’t need many, and the truth is that focusing on the gifted and talented yields better results. If you happen to strike a genius, great. If not, the genius will have the passion to get by, or it will kill them, but they aren’t what keeps society afloat. they inspire, they direct, they contribute- but the odds are that focusing on the bright and motivated will net more overall productivity and better social results. Our program got five amazing and one okay. Focusing on only one genius in the school (if they could have found one) would not necessarily have resulted in anything at all.

 

                I don’t feel that I let the GAT program down, despite my life history and late blooming. I couldn’t be reached because of what I was experiencing, not because they didn’t try. Their decision to keep me in it taught me how successfult he kids who do the work are, and it put me in contexts that changed my life, like putting me in classes with Sa. She is brilliant, does the work, and supported my writing. She’s a large part of why I still write. They missed a lot of opportunities to turn me into a worker. They were scanning for something other than me. I was a fluke, and while I’m a little sorry to have wrecked their averages, I’m more sorry that there wasn’t more use in it for me.

                I’ve dealt with the wreckage left in my life. I’m now free to try to get the education that I should have started with. I love school every bit as much as everyone always expected I would, and my narcolepsy is treated, leaving me able to experience my intense mental life more gently and evenly. I get A’s, but I work like hell for them. I do homework now. I don’t write stories or poetry in class (most of the time.)

                I still write them. I wonder sometimes if that wasn’t what I really got out of GAT: Sa’s support changed my life, and motivated me to get good at it. It wasn’t intended to support the side of me that might succeed in non-traditional ways, but it accidentally threw me in with people who did just that.  It was the first real validation I got, and leaving me in the program while I was failing classes taught me that people really did want me to succeed in a way that met conventional definitions. The others got what they were there for: education, the ability to do the hard work and meet the challenges, and success as they chose to define it. I got something out of it, too… They never dropped me out, which would have told me that they thought I couldn’t, and wouldn’t, live up to their bet about my worth. That they left me in (and I know it was a couple of people fighting hard for it that resulted in those decisions over and over) showed me that they really did think I could be one of them, one day, and that even if I couldn’t, I was still in the calibre of student that could get something out of it. It was a gift they gave me for being bright, because they knew I wasn’t going to pay them back. Not yet. It wasn’t fair to the others to leave me in; it was an insult to their hard work and brilliance. I knew this, they knew it, we all knew it. But they made a bet on who I’d become, and the race ain’t done yet.

                Maybe one day. Maybe now. It’s never too late to be gifted, or start to become a master. I may not be a Mozart, or an Einstein- hell, I’m not even a Sa, or a Lynda- but it’s never too late to get hold of that spark, that flailing energy and passion that lives in me, and harness it hard. I live in awe of the Fab Five, for their hard work, for their character, for their exploration of life. I may not be one of them, but I have one more experience to share that I got solely because of the GAT program and one of the FF.

                As a student, I was teased mercilessly, mostly by the boys in the junior class. I didn’t know how to handle it, because what the hell, I had all the social skills of a rat in a Skinner box. I couldn’t function anywhere, what was I supposed to do? So I just wrote my poems and went on with life. I showed them to the Fab Five, partly as a way of justifying my presence.

                Kate, whom I will hold in grateful reverence forever, showed them to the teacher. The teacher had a policy of not reading student work (a policy I emulate today, mostly because my writing is not a social act.) Kate convinced her, somehow, lobbying hard for her to make an exception.

                Now, my poetry is awful. And I mean appalling; I specialise in bad poetry. When I die, I mean to leave a terrible pile of it for the world to deal with. I want people to be staggered by the pile of bad poetry I leave behind. It was even worse, back then. But the teacher asked me to take a day out of our class, and read them aloud and answer questions.

                To the class. The same boys who called me names, took my books, teased me about my height, and the girls who didn’t know me from a stone. I remember contemplating suicide that night (not an unusual idea for me, back then.)  I thought hard about it. I was terrified; here was my alternate life, the one I was unable to stop myself from working on full-time, being dragged into the academic arena where I was failing hard. Can genius justify lack of hard work? Never. We all knew it, even then. But I was working hard—just not on the assigned curriculum. I was working on survival and I was pouring it all onto paper.

                I said yes. Of course I said yes. And I did it. I took my pages, and I started to read aloud, and that was the day I learned what the phrase, “Could hear a pin drop,” really meant. I can’t ever forget it, because that five seconds after I stopped was the longest year of my life.

                Kate clapped. Out of the darkness from the blurring sides of my vision, Kate put her hands together and broke the silence. For the rest of my life, I will always be the first to applaud, because of Kate. She may never know that she changed my life forever, but she did. She altered permanently the course of my existence and my career, even my academic and work career, because she (whom I looked upon as some kind of strange angel, for being able to do normal work and hand it in) acknowledged my real life, the one I was living while I tried to get by. Publicly. She changed it from a freak show to an academic exposition. Everyone else clapped after she did. I read, it was still terrible, but nothing will ever be as terrible as those first five seconds.

                That was when I realised that whatever I was doing, it was all right for it to be mine. VALID. Real. It may not be genius, but it’s that spark everyone keeps talking about, the one that drives you to do the hard work. It’s what Tiger Parenting can’t instill and soft cuddly false esteem can’t temper into success.

                It’s what the difference is between gifted and successful. Skill, plus the ambition to make it survive, and the means to use it, becomes success. They had giftedness. They just had the ability to turn it in the direction of actual academia, and to do the work while they found things they liked to do. Sa has a passion for movies and gender comprehension that burns laser-bright. Her job is her dream job, she watches movies and talks about sex. Each of those Fab Five were gifted, in their own way. Lynda has a mind like a computer: its exactness and precise function has always made me gasp. She found a spot that suits her. This is what we look for, in our self-based society- the combination of ruthless tiger parenting (though their families were more supportive than fierce in some cases) and individual drive. And not everyone has it, or ever will.

                That’s why they included me. I have the drive now. Whether it pays back disappointed teachers or not, I found it, that ruthless little drivetrain that doesn’t sleep. Lately I’ve found out how to do what they were doing back then (after only two decades worth of struggle with it.) I’ve figured out how to use it to actually succeed in school. I don’t know where I’ll go now, but wherever it is, I will have that spark for company, as I turn everything into its fuel.

                Genius is worthless. Yes, it’s contributed to our society time and time again. It matters, but in daily life? Learn to work. Respect work. Work hard. Have passion. Bring your passion to everything you do- don’t hold out for the dream. Get to work and build it, because those ten thousand hours may “only” give you mastery, but you have no excuse for ten thousand hours of idleness. It will not make you smarter, it will not make you stronger, it may not even make you successful. But you have no excuse not to try, and neither do I. Genius will not help you if you can’t do the work, and a late-blooming hard worker is better than nothing (and may lead to late-blooming genius.) Don’t mistake giftedness for genius, or genius for success. Whether it comes from genes or not, only choice can shape you now.

Leaf: The Grownup Table

by sol - January 27th, 2011

When i was a child, no one told me that adults don’t know what they’re doing.
 

No one pulled me aside, and said, “Look, i can’t find a hammer, so i’m going to pound this nail in with the back of a screwdriver—and someday, this is what you’ll be doing, too.” No one pointed out that the lostness i felt facing long division was the same lostness my adult self would face when confronting biostatistics. It doesn’t go away.

I mean, i suppose i picked up on it, on some level. There were times, when watching what grownups did, that i think i really understood just how mixed up the world was. I’ve witnessed adults doing truly baffling things, both then and since. It never really sank in, though. Adults were superhuman. They were over the barrier; you had the nuances in the kid room (freshman had it worst, for example) but the adults were all one make and model. The adult room… those were grownups, who cared? They were all the same age: old. Or rather, their age was not relevant to us, because they weren’t who we needed to learn to relate to.
 

Adults had resources. They had allies. They had power, power to do. To do almost anything. Somehow, they mostly had the restraint to do adult things, which i never understood. Adults had themselves figured out, and were therefore of little interest to us. We were still struggling with that. Sure, they told us it was otherwise, but we could see that it was different. They were in the grownup room, and the grownup room had totally different perks than the kid room.

It’s amazing to discover just how young those old folks are becoming as i age.
 

For one thing, the older i get, the more the nuances appear. Even the kids—oh, the kids, they’re so young. Was i ever that young?—have shades of age, instead of year labels. The adults are alike, as alike as waves on the ocean. They’re all the same general material, growing mostly in the same direction, but each one is completely and utterly distinct in its similar mission.
 

The kids were right. The adults were wrong.
 

Sure, we haven’t hit the magical enlightenment mark, but that’s because it doesn’t exist. It’s the effort towards it that matters. The kids were right. A functional adult means having a lot of stuff together.
 

No, really. Stop laughing. Well, no, keep laughing, because this is rich stuff and the laughter helps.
 

Being a grownup means having to work. It means having to pay bills and make things happen for other people. It means sustaining oneself and any dependents. We tell kids this. We want them to see how hard we work, we have to. See? I do this because I’m a grownup. This is work. You’ll have to do it, too. Your dreams won’t pay the rent, and the rent has to be paid.

Yes, being a grownup means paying the rent. It also means having the option of eating nachos for dinner every night. You know someone who does. We are people who do that. It means forgetting what we needed in the grocery store, getting flat tyres, skipping the gym, and staying up late. These are options available to us as adults. We play videogames, throw our jackets on the floor sometimes, and hate shovelling snow just as much as any teenager.
 

The only thing that marks the difference is this: we have our stuff together. Literally, not just figuratively. It may be a mess, but it’s our mess. We build it, we own it, we carry it squarely on our own shoulders. We no longer have the option of someone else propelling us forward or holding us back: everything we carry is our own, regardless of how we got it.
They were right. We were right, when we were kids. We’re landholders in our lives, whether we’re good at it or not. Think about it.

Here are the truths that i’ve found in the kid room, under piles of laundry, at the bottom of bowls of brownie batter, scribbled on the backs of bills:

• We have resources. We forget this. We weren’t trained in this, but it’s still ours. They tried. They showed us google (or in my long ago past, the card catalogue.) There is almost no problem that has to be faced completely without external information. For almost every problem imaginable, someone else, somewhere, has faced or experienced something relevant. All we have to do is ask in the right place; we have resources kids can’t even dream of tapping into.

• We are resources. Nothing you experience is wasted. Someone, somewhere, can use what you’ve got to offer. It’s up to us to male sure we find the right venue for our skills and experience.
• We are outdated. Everyone is. This isn’t as much of a problem as people think. I sure as hell hope that by the time i reach one hundred (in 2076, mind you) that there’s technology i can’t even imagine today. My great-grandmother was 102 when she passed away; she’d seen the entire 1900-2000 century pass. Imagine how many things must have become outdated as she lived!

This makes us more than unhip. It makes us witnesses of our age, a living link to the past. Future generations will laugh at our quaint descriptions of car problems, blowing on game cartridges, making mix tapes and that first computer. My first “very own,” computer was a commodore 64. It was an upgrade from the family’s Ataris.

We were THERE. I remember the world before Ronald Reagan. The Berlin wall. I remember before Vampires were cool and before “verb” was a verb. I remember when there were ashtrays in restaurants and cars. I remember when you had to look things up in an encyclopaedia, and when the librarian was the first reference for anything in the world. This makes us so much more than outdated: it makes us invaluable.

• We have all the power.

Yes. The kids were right; we do. We can vote, drive, buy spray paint and alcohol. We can legally gamble and get into R-rated movies without supervision. We can be summoned to jury duty or drafted to war. Heck yeah, we have power. How do we forget? We really can be anything we want, within the margins of what we’ve got to pay for it with. The less time and effort we have to put into it, the less likely that we’ll be able to do it. But the choices, and the costs, are ours.

Being an adult is a challenge. i make myself do three grownup things a day, beyond getting out of bed and going to work. Laundry? Gold star! Ohhh, I paid bills AND sent that letter to the landlord, today I am a paragon of grownupness! Other days, in the (truly epic) words of Hyperbole and a Half, “Go to the bank? What am I, some kind of wizard?” As long as we pay the admission, we can go to the movie. If we’re willing to pay the rent, we can live where we want. Everything we do is a choice.

This is power. Choice is power. The kids were right. As an adult, i’m forced to see it for what it is. Nothing is resolved. Nothing got magically sorted out. There’s no perfect, normal adulthood waiting to mold around me and make the things i do match what needs to be done. And we have the power, because we’re the grownups, and, “it’s our turn to decide what that means.”

Leaf: Solstice

by sol - December 21st, 2010

“The voice of the returning spring
Bids Nature wake and rise
and put her best new garments on
for she has fresh supplies…”

-shaker hymn

When we stop, and grow cold and turn inwards, it’s because we feel we don’t have enough. It’s easy to feel that way in our culture, our culture is built on it.

The season of giving wears us out, because we feel we MUST give, and must have, and it’s painful.

So stop a moment, and feel more than that.

Giving is not about things. It’s about warming up, down in the dark curled up seeds of our natures, and getting ready to put out roots and love our neighbours again. It’s about the sap rising in the tree and the love rising in our personalities, about opening up to the possibility of other people mattering to us. Crossing boundaries, breaking down winter ice. Rising out of our personal darknesses, not because we owe anybody anything, but because we are open to the influx of new energy, new hope that WE need. We are open to having what we need, so we can be open to other people. It can’t happen any other way: when we don’t have enough, we can’t give. So the roots come first, and when the days get longer, we feel that urge to enjoy the world again, to feel hope and joy where we can find it. It’s hard, but then again, it’s easy, because we do know how if we let ourselves, if we can just break the shell that’s growing soft and pliable.

The year turns, and the soulcrushing darkness ebbs out again. We did it, we made it to the point where the light starts coming back.

There now, it wasn’t so bad, was it?

Oh yes, it was. Believe me, I know. For some of us, it was awful.

We were so busy with our darknesses we didn’t even see the defiant march of days in order. But here we are, not yet on the shores but no longer lost at sea.

Rejoice, because even now, the lighthouses beckon.

I have faith, because I have had times I wasn’t lost, and I have come back from lostness over and over. The night DOES NOT cover all, and the light DOES own me, even in the darkest spaces i might crawl. If i have darkness, it isn’t because the light has forgotten me, but because i have forgotten to seek the light. There is light in me and i believe in it; the higher power that beckons me is the best, kindest, most whole and nurtured person i can be.

Fight for it, fellow seedlings. Fight for it hard.

Fresh supplies are coming. Give it your all, for spring is on the way, and we must meet it with green in our spirits, ready to launch forth in growth.

Leaf: done is sometimes better than good

by sol - November 15th, 2010

I’ve been struggling to come up with the right entry, and haven’t known what to say. It’s hard because I want to say something deep, and meaningful- but the truth is that deep and meaningful is an approach, not the content. Finding the deep and meaningful is really up to you.
I’ve have a really good reminder of what faith is, this week.
Arguing about religion is pointless, because the faith that someone has, has meaning for them. Think of a wedding ring. A wedding ring is just a chunk of metal, mined from the earth. Hands passed over it, machines melted it, and then someone hammered a strip of it into a ring, polished it, and it was chosen by people with something in mind to build.

From that point, all material considerations of the ring no longer encompass its meaning. From that point on, that piece of metal is a symbol of something else, a promise to build something larger and more lasting than one person alone. A promise to be there with you, always. It’s a telegraph to others that the person has made this commitment; it’s a reminder of the ritual, a token that everyone can see. It’s the symbolic act that ties the whole thing together.
And it’s still, at the same time, a chunk of metal shaped into a loop by hammers and fire.

Do I believe that the world was created exactly as it is, without species evolution? No. Not even a little. But I don’t think that the idea is impossible to put in the same space with the world we’re in. The world is magical, because we’re magical, and what you use as magic has to work for you. Wedding rings make me optimistic: if we can have so many different commitments symbolised by one ring, one piece of metal, we can do anything together.

That’s the best i can do today; that’s an entry. Keep growing leaves, that’s the tree. It’s not perfect, but neither am I, so it will be okay. Be well.

Leaf: A poem, “Decade”

by sol - October 28th, 2010

Decade

if you mean to love me, ever,
love me now-

Now, before my feet wear even smoother
now, before my hands get old with loss.
If you ever want to love me, now’s the time,
the only time, the time before I go.

These days slip by like little broken beads-
Tuesday, Thursday, Death of Dog Day, When,
The Day I got My Foot Caught In the Storm Drain,
The Day I kissed you standing by the graves.

if you ever mean to love me, love me now.

Forgive me my repentances,
all the hesitations on my path-
All the moments I stood still too long
love letters left unwritten, hands unheld-
Forgive me the folly that lives on my tongue,
the weakness that crawls in my bones.
Forgive me all the seconds i was sorry
to live, and let the words die on my tongue-
tomorrow, and tomorrow, and today.

If you think you might forgive me, don’t delay.

The day i lost my kite, out past the trees
the Blue Ridge Kite Day,
lost to stronger winds.

The day i met you,
you and the roll
of paper you were carrying who knows where
i don’t know why some beads survive ,
or why memory grows so thin.

So if you ever mean to love me, love me now.

Those hills of time are moving, like the tide-
everything moves, in the end,
and if you want to reach me,
i can bend-

Little sister, how i met you, with your hair
purple against the grain,
in a crowd of plain old pegs
for plain old holes
with plain old shiny futures in plain roles,
each splendid as the last, no time for breath-
it worked.
I love you best.

If you want to sit beside me, there is room.

My heart gives out first prizes with abandon:
there’s space in me for years-
inching my loves up the trellises of decades
slowly, one day’s water at a time:

Another decade slips. The beads are smooth.

The Day You Brought Me to Doctors,
sick and gasping for breath.
The Day I Fell Into Domestic Abuse
and then, the Day I Left;
The Day I Entered College,
crying, at thirty years old…
the days slip past, the years are small and cold-

If you ever mean to love me, love me now.

The Years I had the Wheelchair. That was hell.
You learn a lot about people
by how they push
when they try to help-

The Day I- i don’t remember. That one’s gone.
Hold me close; we won’t be here for long.

Remember me, when the last of my chain slips past.

If you ever mean to love me, love me now.

Love me now, long after I’m part gone,
enough to fill the world that we still own,
So strong it lasts long after we forget.

Long after i’ve stopped singing in the dust-
i’m loving you, from here, from now,
and in these little beads i place full trust-

Love me, if you’re stronger than the call
of wild years out and cold years in
of all the years of where we’ve been;

Love me if you love me, and that’s all.

Every family suffers far apart.
You build a house from what’s on hand
but the space inside is all we use,
the place where what’s enduring stands.

You build a house with what you have,
and yes, some rooms are death.
But we’ve been, and built, and what we are right now
might be the part that puts the rest to rest.

If you ever mean to love me, love me now.

The Day my Great Grandmother’s Service Was Held
and I saw my uncle, in his wedding shirt.
(four, now? Five? I can’t remember)
The Optimist, I call him.
May all our hopes survive our deeds so well.

Love me now, in all my pain and sorrow,
this complicated chance is all you get.
I’ll go, and I’ll be like this to the end.
Forgive me, if you need to, if you can.
The beads slip by. Let them go.
They aren’t the hands.

These hands, these hands please hold them
they are strong
enough to fit today into the strand,
enough to make a something for your counting

start counting now, because the beads roll off
and when they go, the last ones on the string
come faster than we want
and before we count that far-

So love me now.
If you mean to ever love me, love me now.

Leaf: on marriage

by sol - October 2nd, 2010

Once upon a time, there was a teacher of zen who was asked about marriage.

“The state of marriage,” he replied thoughtfully, “is like an orange.”

“What the heck are you talking about?” asked the students.

“Well,” he went on, “They’re both oranges, except for marriage.”

***

The students, unsatisfied, quarreled among themselves. Some left, still seeking answers, and went on down the road- only to find a teacher of the tao. “Tell us about marriage,” they clamored.

The teacher of the tao continued to work in her garden. The students fell in beside her, weeding and working. “Marriage,” she said suddenly, pulling up a weed, “Is a house. You build it out of beams and bills, but it’s the space inside it where you live and make a home.”

They thought this sounded pretty wise, so they asked her for more. She continued to work for a while. “Marriage,” she eventually murmured, “is a cup. You build it of clay, but it’s the space inside where the tao lives.”

They didn’t really get that, most of them, but they figured what the heck, at least it isn’t bad jokes about oranges. She got them some soup for lunch, and they went back to the rows. They kept hard at work until dusk, when they gathered around the teacher again.

“Marriage,” she said calmly, getting a drink of water, “is a garden. You work all day, and grow food to eat to be strong to work, and you will enjoy that, but it is what you learned here that is what you came for, ate for, and worked for.”

They thought about this, nodding to themselves, when she added one more piece of wisdom.

“Marriage is a bad joke about oranges.” They stopped, stunned. “It is a story about the effort of finding the meaning of the story.”

The next day some of the students went back to their zen master, and apologised for not getting this the first time. Others among them left to go out into the world. The story itself goes on.

****

Community is like an orange, too. Thank you all for being a part of my life.